A new kind of rut

So I've been going through some things lately. 

I really hate when I can't quite figure out the true root of the problem.

I don't even know really where to start. I've been battling with anxiety but more recently it's been more depression.  Maybe it's the winter blues (I get them every year).

Part of me is tired of everything...even little things. I'm tired of the TV. I'm tired of music. I'm tired of reading, I'm tired of being home all day, I'm tired of the Bible, as bad as that sounds (although I'm not really having too many issues with God right now). 

Then there are more bigger things. 

I'm tired of cleaning. Yesterday I cleaned all day...I mean ALL day. Before going to bed, I wanted to cry. In fact I did cry....I sobbed to the point I almost couldn't breathe. After seeing popcorn, pretzels and graham crackers thrown all on the floor in the living room by my 3 year old (after cleaning all day to the point I needed to shower) I couldn't take it anymore. Because of him and a couple relatives who are temporarily living with us...I just can't keep this house clean. It is driving me nuts. Since hubby recently explained to me that his expectations aren't nearly as high as I thought they were, I'm now free to clean because *I* want too. Only thing is, I'm turning into a neat freak. The house being messy keeps me anxious. I want it cleaned.

Now I didn't just sob over the spilled snacks...nope. There has been a tsunami brewing way across my inner emotions and it has finally made land.

I can't get into the details of it all because it involves family. But let's just say after constantly cleaning up after people I shouldn't be, and all the extra responsibilities that I should NOT be having, on top of the responsibilities that I DO have, I just lost it.

Yesterday I needed a break. I wanted to go to the library to relax. Well that turned into me having to run to the bank, run to CVS for a prescription, get gas, get stuff for dinner and during all that my little one kept having hissy fits in the backseat. My trip to the library just ended up with me returning stuff in their return slot.

When I got home, we had dinner. I was in the bedroom talking to my husband and my niece. When we walked out we found our dog sitting on one of the dining room chairs and EATING my niece's dinner right off her plate on the table!!!! 

Afterwards, I looked through the mail. We received yet ANOTHER $450 electric bill (normally it's around $250 - we have electric heat). Every little tactic we do to save money on our bill has not been working. We are already struggling financially!! It just keeps getting higher and higher. After opening the bill, I started loading the dishwasher and then got aggravated because they wouldn't all fit (I hate having to leave dishes in the sink and I was already upset so having to wash them put another nail in the coffin.) Then I realized the TV was left on so I went in the living room to turn it off and THAT is when I found the snacks on the floor.

I've been having a lot of "WHY BOTHER?" type thoughts.

Another thing that has been going on is I feel something shifting. Not quite sure what God is up to but something is changing. When I tried homeschooling my son for first grade, I tried so desperately to get involved with other homeschoolers. I created a group and everything. NOTHING I did worked. I mean nothing. I was so frustrated. Well now it is totally different (for those who don't know - my son is now in 2nd grade public school and next year we are homeschooling again - well technically it's online public school, but I still believe that is homeschooling since you are doing school AT HOME).

In the span of maybe 2 weeks, I have met 3 new moms that have boys my son's age. Two of those boys are doing the same schooling that I will be doing with my son. AND on top of that, one of those moms is part of a CO-OP group in the area I live in! It's like God has opened the doors in that area and I'm thrilled.

So there are some positives going around.

But that isn't the only shift.

I'm not too sure what's going on with this...

I'm starting to focus more inward. Not on myself...but my life, my family and my home. I have blogged for YEARS. Before making this blog I took a 6 month break and really believed God called me to do this one. I even spent money on the template. This has been my most "serious" blog.

I have been having some issues with the idea of blogging. I'm getting tired of putting myself out there. I run a woman's group where we chat online. I wasn't having peace about certain things, and I shared them with the group. My mind never stops running, therefore I'm always changing things, including the group. To others who don't think like I do, they just don't get it. Well I had a couple women leave because of it. I was originally upset, and then I got over it. 

Or so I thought. 

I'm over it, but the REASON they left has been messing with me. 

A LOT.

It has crossed over to the blog. If people would leave a group because of it, then I must be annoying my readers.

I was all gung-ho about being this PASSIONATE homemaker when I came off my blog break. But now I'm back in a rut....a rut I've never been in. 

How can I lead other women when I can't seem to get my act together?

And then if I want to talk about it on here, I feel like all I do is complain.

A part of me wants to quit blogging. 

The last book review I have done will be my last one. I have put so many demands on myself over things that don't bless me or my family. And if the book club I created isn't active, I'm getting rid of that too.

It's really discouraging to me when I write a post...especially one that I worked hard on, and dealt with a lot of interruptions and see that only 8 people have read it. I have over 100 followers and over 300 facebook fans/likes. How is it only 8 people see a post?

And when you think of it...who are these 8 people? Those "interruptions" were my kids!! I'm going to put them to the side for these 8 people I don't even know?!!! That's the "inward" stuff I'm talking about.

A part of me can't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have any other demands on my time. To not HAVE TO read a certain book (whether for a review or club). To NOT have to come up with something to blog about - especially when I'm totally NOT in the mood to discuss homemaking. I feel two-faced. A week ago I wrote a post titled Having a Heart for Homemaking. Okay...I didn't WRITE it a week ago, I just scheduled it to post then. I actually wrote it in December when I was in my happy go lucky homemaking bliss.

I don't know. 

I'm not making any decisions right now because I would be making them with emotions. But at the same time I'm not sure if THAT'S true. Is God leading me to put the blog down? Or is Satan trying to stop God's work through me on this blog?

I don't know.

Please pray God shows me. 

I don't want to fill my blog with negativity. 

Many of you have made comments saying that my honesty is refreshing. 

But at what point will my "freshness" stale up?