Free to be yourself

I have received comments that I sound angry. I never thought about how I write...I rarely write in anger other than a couple posts on here. So I had to stop and think...am I always angry? I'm not an angry person, but I do suffer from a lot of negative emotions. God is currently working with me on them and it is so sweet.

Let me explain a bit, and then I'll go into the whole being yourself thing. I am an only child. I never cared about being around a lot of people. I preferred to stay home and read a book on a Friday night, rather than go out. I moved out when I was 18 because I wanted to be alone. I lived by myself in an apartment. I got married quickly (within 3 months of meeting hubby...that was 2 years after moving out) and became a mother quickly (a year later). I was doing fine, until #2 came around. He was VERY difficult to deal with. I mentioned on here before that he was extremely colicky...and not for the typical 3 months. I'm talking over a YEAR! I'm talking no sleep, I couldn't cook, clean, read, or do anything because he had to be held 24/7...even when he was asleep. We lived with my parents (in CT) for 3 years due to some struggles and when he was 3 months old, we moved out to Ohio. There is one thing that I left behind (besides family) that I didn't realize how much I'd miss. And that was my mom's car. See, we only have one car which hubby takes to work. So I am home all day. We were okay in the beginning because I would just go out when he got home. But since we bought our first house last year, money has been really tight, I can't just go driving around. I can't begin to explain to you the power of a car for me. Every single day, after my mother came home from work, I would use her car and go for a drive for at least an hour (I paid for gas). It got me away, it was the breath of fresh air that I NEEDED. I mentioned before that this year I gave homeschooling a try with my older son and quickly learned it's not for me (God bless you homeschooling mothers!!). We are finishing up this year and he will go to school next year. So, now with money being tight, my trips are just to the grocery store, which isn't too far away. I'm home ALL DAY with the kids. My youngest immediately darts toward the road when we are outside so I don't take them out so much. So, again, I'm inside ALL DAY with my kids. Did I mention both my boys are strong willed? Oh yes, every single day is a fight to make them mind. And without that car ride that I need so much, some days I think I'm going to have a breakdown. To be honest, my youngest has traumatized me. And no I'm not being funny...I mean it. After having him, I made sure it was medically impossible to have anymore kids and I have never regretted it. About a month ago I realized that I haven't truly been alone, by myself in SEVEN years....other than going to the doctors (which by the way, is really pathetic when I'm excited to go to the doctors just to have a moment alone). So I have been dealing with exhaustion, a bit of depression, anxiety, and the biggest...resentment. .The funny part is, I didn't start dealing with a lot of these problems until I started my blog. And then God showed me...since the day I clicked "Create a Blog" Satan has been after me. Since God is bringing me higher, Satan has been attacking me. He's been trying to make me hate homemaking, my husband and my kids. As the saying goes "New level, new devil."

But God is changing me! And please pray for me because I hate feeling this way!!

Anyways...on to being Free to be Yourself.

There are a lot of images out there on what a Godly Homemaker is. And if you haven't noticed there are a lot of mommy wars going on that I personally think all stem from insecurities. If you're confident in who you are, you wouldn't really care what others do. Am I right?

For YEARS I have battled with this. I don't fit into the typical mold of a Godly Homemaker. For one, I HATE cleaning (which you will be hearing about tomorrow with tips for those who are just like me). Being a sweet encouraging mother does not come natural to me. Being the positive, comforting, edifying wife does not come natural to me either. All these things, God has to help me DAILY with. I'm what you call a girly tomboy. When I was kid, I had a monster truck powerwheels, and when I was done playing in the mud with that thing, I would come in and play with Barbies. My dad created a race track in the basement for me so I can use by big wheel...he even let me use his motorcycle helmet. And when I was done, I played with my favorite doll and played mommy.

When I lived in CT, I was part of a Christian Mothers playgroup. We had a calendar filled with activities, each member hosted something throughout the month, and we got together often. I felt out of place there. All these Christian women were so sweet and soft spoken. They kind of irritated me and for 2 reasons. One being, I viewed them as wimpy women, instead of seeing their gentleness and meekness, and two because I was bothered that I wasn't that way. What is wrong with me that I'm so outspoken? Why am I so rough? Why am I not a sweet Christian woman?

If you don't fit into the mold of the typical Christian please realize that there is NO typical Christian. For some reason, we all think there is one...why do you think people are so fake at church? Oops...did I say that?...there is the outspoken in me again lol. God created us all differently, with different personalities. The sweet soft spoken woman is no better than the rough around the edges outspoken woman. We both have our faults (sometimes I think the outspoken woman just has LOUDER faults so people notice them more)...we both have different strengths and weaknesses. In fact, I think God designs a woman's personality to fit situations in her life. I am a mom of just boys and a wife of a man who, as long as I known him, is a boss. Like I said, my boys are strong willed (and gross!) and hubby sometimes likes to control things a bit too much. If I was a wimpy woman I would of probably had a nervous breakdown by now.

So please, if you struggle with this same thing, bring it to God. Feel free to comment or email me and I will pray for you. It's very hard to be at peace, when you battle with who you are. Remember...you are everywhere you go! You better start liking yourself...flaws and all!

And please, don't assume my statements are filled with anger. My main goal is to show ALL sides of homemaking. It's not all roses and daisies...there are hard issues in life. And I hope by showing my weaknesses, and issues I deal with, that someone else who deals with the same thing can be encouraged that they aren't the only ones. .

Linked to: Call Me Blessed, Growing Home, Time-Warp Wife, A Pause on the Path, Far Above Rubies, Lessons from Ivy